April Fox

Recently, someone found my blog and attempted to comment on a post, comments that had nothing to do what I’d posted and that seemed designed to bring embarrassment to me and my husband. I know the person in question and they’ve acknowledged having multiple complex and hard-to-treat mental disorders, so I simply trashed the comments and contacted them privately and asked them to stop. No big deal, I’ve dealt with my share of unhinged fans and this was mild as far as those things go. It got me thinking, though: They clearly came to my blog thinking they were giving away some sort of secrets, and while I have those, like anyone else, that person certainly doesn’t have access to what those secrets are. Delusions are a bitch.

So that’s what brought them here, and I’m wondering, what brought you here? What are you looking for? If it’s my music writing, I’ve been slack about that, both the writing and the sharing, having gotten caught up in the unexpected full-time mothering of a sweet autistic little girl with deeper needs that I won’t discuss here, at least not right now. If it’s the poetry, I haven’t done a ton with that either, but I do have a new book in the works, along with one for tweens, and I’ll keep you lovely followers posted on both of those.

If you’re here for a peek into my life, I suppose I should give you that.

I’m a mother of seven, six biological and one given to me by my husband. I’ve made more than my share of mistakes with them — what decent parent would deny that? — but the original six came through life surprisingly well, and the little one is thriving in a safe and loving environment.

I was a statistic, high school dropout, unwed teenage mother, enrolled in college at 16 but focused too much on raising children to ever finish, despite having gone back more than once. The last time I was supposed to go back, to get the few credits I needed to cobble together my degree, the money I had set aside for that was… How do I say this? I lost it to an act of ugly deception.

Really ugly.

So here I am now, teaching without a degree because I’ve been told that what I bring to the classroom is something no college course can teach. I teach young people on the cusp of adulthood to be themselves, to feel pride in who they are no matter what, that they are writers whether the believe it or not and yes you can write about guts or poop or hating homework, I don’t care as long as you’re writing. I bring them Saul Williams and Shel Silverstein and Roald Dahl and say Look, you can do this. You are.

I share, in an age-appropriate way, bits of my life. I am a survivor of domestic and sexual violence. I have lived in abject poverty. I screwed around and didn’t do my homework and got in trouble. I let these children see a softened version of where I’ve been in hopes that they’ll learn from my experience. One of the most important things I teach is boundaries, and the importance thereof. I’m aware that mine are stronger than a lot of folks have. I can be seen as closed off and unfeeling and to an extent, that’s true. I let my guard down rarely and never completely, and that’s served me well. I don’t expect to change.

So why are you here? If you’re here to share a few words with me and keep up with where I’ve been and where I’m going, that’s great. If you’re here for music and poetry and maybe a few laughs, they’re coming, I promise. If you’re here hoping to find someone who will throw down over your right to exist as someone who is gay or trans or brown or poor or foreign or hurting or whatever, you’re in the right place.

If you’re looking for compassion as someone on the other side of that, you need to go. This isn’t a place where you’ll find tolerance of any kind of abuse, be it one of the -isms or the mistreatment of a child or anyone smaller than you in some way. My compassion ends where harming others begins. There may be reasons, but there’s no excuse, and that’s one of the very few things I won’t be swayed on, ever. I’ll fight back just as ugly as anyone can be.

For a long time, I couldn’t fight back the way I needed to, and now I can. I got everything I have through brains and fierce determination. I have strong relationships with all seven of my children, their partners, and their children. I have a beautiful extended family, an incredible husband, an amazing network of friends and coworkers. I earned these things, and if you’re here to see how the rest of this goes, welcome home. Pour a cup of coffee and start reading.

If you’re here for anything else, well… That sounds like a problem for someone other than me.

Much love, raise hell and stay fierce.